What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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