I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
