I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
