weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
