Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
