She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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