Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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