Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize