thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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