i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
