man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
