What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
