Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
