It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize