It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
