Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
