dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When are your genitals available?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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