I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
