I wish i was in the wii world.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
