Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the condom got lost in my hair
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
