Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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