Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
