I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
