I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
