Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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