I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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