and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
