i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
