i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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