She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
