Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize