I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
