I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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