he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
