I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
