He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
