so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
