i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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