Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
