he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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