She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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