my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
