you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
