there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
