I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
