You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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