I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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