Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
