That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
