You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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