ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
