either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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