I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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