My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
