What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
