i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
