I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
