i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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