There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
