I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
